Plus: Hacker gains god-mode access… for $50

GM. Today's mix: 2 shots of hopium, a splash of lemon cope, and just enough liquidity to call it a smoothie.

Here's what we're serving:

🍍 US non-farm payroll revisions.

🤦 Huge hacker fail.

🍋 Best no-KYC crypto exchanges, ex-Celsius CEO going to prison + more

🍍 Market flavor today

Crypto Market Cap: $3.88T 0.04% (24H)
Name		Price	24H	7D
	Bitcoin BTC	$111,843.50	-0.21%	0.50%
	Ethereum ETH	$4,303.45	-0.63%	-0.98%
	XRP XRP	$2.96	0.06%	4.76%
	BNB BNB	$874.57	0.00%	3.06%
	Solana SOL	$215.68	0.55%	5.61%

Issa big week for US economic news.

Why big? Because the stuff we're about to learn could decide whether the Federal Reserve cuts interest rates next Wednesday.

Quick explainer: when the Fed cuts rates, it becomes cheaper to borrow money, which usually means more spending, more investing, and more cash sloshing around → great for riskier assets like crypto, because extra money often ends up there.

Today, we got one of the first big reports: the non-farm payroll revisions.

And... oof. Not pretty 👇

In other words, the US had 911K fewer jobs than originally reported over the last year (from March 2024 to March 2025).

That's a HUGE correction, and it's bad news for the economy overall.

... But ironically, it's great for crypto, because it actually increases the chances of a rate cut.

(Since the Fed has recently been more worried about the labor market than inflation.)

Matter of fact, markets are now pricing in a 100% chance of a cut this month. The only debate left is whether it'll be a 0.25% or a 0.50% chop.

Now, although inflation isn't the Fed’s main concern rn, it still matters - and this week, we're getting two major reports that show whether prices are still rising:

👉 CPI (Consumer Price Index) drops tomorrow - aka how much prices are going up for regular people;

👉 PPI (Producer Price Index) comes out Thursday - aka what businesses are paying for goods and services.

Both could move the markets, especially if the numbers come in hotter or cooler than expected.

So yeah... brace for volatility 👀

⛏️ Crypto mining without the nerd setup

Trying to mine crypto at home in 2025 is like baking your own bread every morning - you can do it, but why bother when the bakery across the street has a warm, buttery loaf ready to go?

That's what IEByte is for.

It's a cloud mining platform, which basically means they run the hardware and deal with all the complicated stuff - you just pick a plan, sit back, and collect crypto.

This is hands-down one of the easiest ways to get exposure to mining without knowing how mining even works.

Oh, and you get $10 just for signing up.

No noise. No overheating. Just crypto showing up in your wallet. Sounds good?

🥝 Memecoin harvest

Every one of these coins said, "What if we just mooned for no reason?" 🤔

Data as of 04:10 AM EST.

Check out these memecoins and plenty more here.

🤦 Hack fail

Imagine you hack into the account of an NPM developer.

For those who aren't tech nerds: NPM is basically the app store for programmers. It's where they get chunks of pre-written code (called packages) to help them build websites and apps faster.

Now, this particular dev created some code so popular it gets downloaded over 2 BILLION times every week. That code's inside tons of apps and sites you prolly use every day. Companies rely on it constantly without even thinking about it.

So, breaking into that account means you could slip malware right into their package. And since millions of apps automatically get the latest version of that code, your nasty surprise would spread everywhere.

It's like poisoning the city's water supply instead of just one bottle.

This would arguably be the largest supply chain hack in history - access to millions of computers, billions in potential damage, and entire companies in your hands.

And the crazy part: someone actually pulled this off.

"Holy. Sh*t 😦 This person's gotta be a billionaire now, right?" - you, maybe.

... Not even close.

Bro walked away with less than $50.

Yes, I'm being for real. Five cents worth of Ethereum and about $20 of some random memecoin that barely anyone trades.

Kinda like breaking into a bank and leaving with a couple of coins you found under the couch cushions.

This failure was mainly due to the attacker's mistakes, which led to early detection.

In the end, as the Security Alliance put it, the real cost is all the cleanup: thousands of hours burned by engineers and security teams worldwide, plus millions in new security contracts that companies will sign just because of this mess.

Either way, ughh, there's something so satisfying about watching the bad guys flop ❤️

🍋 News drops you can't miss

👀 Some exchanges want your life story, others just want your crypto. Here's our guide to the best no-KYC options.

⛓️ Alex Mashinsky, the ex-Celsius CEO, has to check into federal prison this Friday. He'll be living there for the next 12 years.

🇰🇿 Kazakhstan's president, Kassym-Jomart Tokayev, dropped his game plan for AI and crypto. The twist: he wants the country to build its own national crypto reserve.

🗣️ The SEC's crypto task force is hosting another roundtable. The discussion will focus on how much financial surveillance should be allowed and what privacy protections people should have.

🇷🇺 A Putin advisor claims the US is using crypto and gold to reduce its debt burden because trust in the dollar is declining. He said this is America's way of dumping its financial problems on the rest of the world.

🍌 Juicy memes